Thursday, June 17, 2010

Sunday Funnies: Special Effects

A quick note to all of my loyal readers, thanks for sticking by me. :)  I have to apologize for my lack of posting lately.  I don't know if any of you have ever had that overwhelming feeling that life is just crammed too full of STUFF and nothing else will fit, kind of like my shoe closet.  I have had so many things on my plate the past several months that blogging has had to take a step back.  But hopefully I will be back into writing a full functioning blog again soon.


Anyway, back to the story... and yes I know it's not actually Sunday...

There I was, walking through the grocery store loading my cart up with ingredients for a rich ooey gooey chocolate cake; chocolate pudding, baking chocolate squares, semi-sweet chocolate chips, Hershey's Symphony milk chocolate bar with almonds and toffee chips and lots of butter for the frosting.
My mouth began to water as an intense desire to devour anything and everything made of sweet, creamy, smooth milk chocolate washed over me.  Unable to curb the immense craving I gave in to my weakness and I quickly turned my very full cart around and headed back to the candy isle.  I started down the green mile and had to cover my eyes to hide the scrumptious and tempting Reese's peanut buttercups, snickers, twix, and ghirardelli chocolate squares filled with carmel that leered at me.  I refused to look up until I reached the sugar free section, yes my dirty little secret is out, I can't eat sugar. (Pretend you didn't just read that, and please don't tell any of my cake clients that I can't actually eat what I sell.  But hey I figure if Beethoven can be deaf and write symphonies then I can have a sugar intolerance and still create mouth watering masterpieces.  Or am I wrong?)

I located the sugar-free and no-sugar added section that held a small variety of chocolate candies.  Most of which were Russell Stoffers chocolates, which have enough alcohol sugars to stop a diabetic dead in their tracks.  Disappointment flooded from the top of my head and made it's way down the rest of my body.  With down cast eyes I turned to go on my way, but then I saw it, a new kind of nearly sugarless chocolate bar called Simply Lite that flashed out a message in bold green letters SUGAR FREE, GLUTEN FREE.  Further down the packaging boasted this was the best chocolate for those who were carb and health conscious.  Well that sort of included me, so I picked up the package and read the nutrition label, HOT DIGGITY! Only 2 grams of sugar, what luck!!!!!!!

After waiting for what felt like an eternity to get through the line at the checkout stand I found myself nearly skipping to my car with anticipation of biting into a chocolate bar for the first time in years! 

I sat alone in my drivers seat and reverently placed the first square of chocolate in my mouth, savoring every second we had together, it instantly started to melt.  Words cannot describe how wonderful it tasted.  I then proceeded to eat nearly the entire bar.  As a second thought I decided to see if the package held more than one serving, I've gotten myself into trouble before by not paying attention to this little detail and I had a nagging feeling that this was whole thing was just too good to be true.

I searched the nutrition panel and found that the bar included 3 1/2 servings, well that would only be 7 grams of sugar.  That is borderline for what I can handle but close enough that I thought it would be worth the headache later.  So I popped another square in my mouth, by this point there were only three squares left. 
I continued to read the package for curiosity's sake while I finished off another square.

And that's when I saw IT...

Warning: Excess consumption may cause a laxative effect

Yeah, turns out it was too good to be true.  What they didn't tell you is that the "effect" happens rather quickly. 

I'm thinking about sending an email suggesting they rename the candy bar to Hershey Squirts.

12 comments:

kaye said...

I'm glad you enjoyed your chocolate moment as it seems to have ended rather abruptly! And I'm glad to be one of your flavor taster's as you create those wonderfully delicious cake masterpieces. Did you get your cake done yesterday?

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

"I figure if Beethoven can be deaf and write symphonies then I can have a sugar intolerance and still create mouth watering masterpieces."

Heh! Poor you. That maltitol makes me sick, too. I have to stay away from all the sugar-free stuff because it all seems to contain maltitol, and I couldn't even eat one square without getting sick!

Janae S said...

Oh, no! That is just terrible! Thank you for posting this and making me laugh!

Emmy said...

On no! I would laugh but I just feel too bad for you. The same thing, just not so immediately happens if you eat multiple of those one fortified yogurts... I for the life of me suddenly cannot think of what they are called.. darn sleep deprived brain.

Anonymous said...

When you're climbing up a ladder and you hear something splatter...

Diahrea...

Diahrea...

Carrie and Troy Keiser said...

Oh bummer! :(

Annie said...

hahhahaha! Heidi, that is so hilarious! seriously, I laughed out loud while I read the whole thing.

CC said...

bwahahahahaha!!!! And where is the fattening chocolate cake recipe?????

Rachel said...

Made me laugh! Too funny:)

HaHa my word verification is.... TESTO...lol...

kaye said...

Happy Birthday Heidi :)

Mimi said...

He! He! He!
Thanks for a good laugh at your expense.
Seriously, it was also a great, sensual story. I could SO identify with you in the supermarket- only differnece, I sometimes don't wait till the car (or even the checkout! have been known to hand in the empty wrapper for scanning!).
I've missed you, Heidi, but glad to know that it's just busy life that has kept you from us, and will welcome you back whenever you can post again.
In the meantime, take care...

Kelli @ writing the waves said...

I haven't been by in awhile and wanted to say hi! I hope you guys are enjoying your summer. As for your story - oh my goodness. That should have been in BIG BOLD PRINT! You poor thing. I hope it was worth it. haha :)