Sunday, March 28, 2010

Sunday Funnies: Flat Out Fun

Every family on the face of the planet has one. A great story teller. In my family we are fortunate not only to have someone that can draw you into a story and make you feel like you are the one who experienced all the drama, but my aunt can tell a story that will have you laughing so hard that you will be literally rolling on the floor holding your stomach trying to keep every thing in (which, I've found, gets increasingly hard with every child that you give birth to).

This is my Aunt Susan, and she is always the life of the party.

I was reminiscing about a story that she told once when I was a young teenager and thought that I would share it, since I seem to be having a hard time coming up with something from my own life lately.

Susan woke in a terrible mood. All she wanted to do was stay in her nice warm bed and not get up and get the kids ready for ANOTHER day of school. But being the mom she had no choice and heaved herself out of bed and walked into the kid's room to start the day.
After fighting and wrestling her kids into clothes, shoes and coats Susan feed them a cheerful breakfast of burned toast and chocolate milk made with powdered milk. Yes, it was that kind of morning. She shouted and shouted until everyone was finally on their way out to their trusty brown chevy. The bickering in the back seat nearly sent her over the edge. But she breathed deeply and shut her eyes and counted to ten. And then she reopened her eyes only to discover that she had drifted to the other side of the road. And so she gave up trying to achieve any semblance of calm and just dropped the kids off at their elementary school and headed back home with her preschooler in tow.
The preschooler of course was sick. And so upon arriving home she called the doctor's office and set up an appointment for her youngest son. They for once weren't running way behind schedule and told her that they could see him at 9:00.
That left her an hour to shower, primp, and get her son looking presentable. Not much time, but she hustled as much as she could.
At 9:05 she was mostly ready with only a few pieces of hair still uncurled, but she had on clothes, shoes, and had brushed her teeth. It would do.
Her son on the other hand was lolly gagging in a way that only he could. He had on his shirt but that was about it. And so with a longing for a cattle prod and an eye roll she started with the lawnmower engine motivator.
(Now imagine for me the sound of a gas powered lawn mower as it starts up, the sound when you first pull the rip cord)
"Come on. Come on. Come on. (then suddenly the engine catches) GET THOSE PANTSSOCKSANDSHOES ON NOW!!!!!!
Well, the pants were on and so were the socks. But he was still fiddling with his shoes at 10 after nine.
"Mom," her son whined. "There's something in my shoe."
Susan had hit her boiling point, "I don't care if there is something in your shoe," she hollered, "just GET THEM ON!"
And he did. And he stomped in an angry huff all the way to the car. But he quickly forgot the offense as they traveled the seven minutes that it took to get to the doctors office. He was his happy smiling self when he got out and in his joy, and much to his mother's annoyance, he skipped the whole way to the office. Singing the entire way "there's somethin' in my shoe, there's somethin' in my shoe".
At last they made it through the waiting room, nurse assessment and were simply waiting for the doctor to show.
Much to my aunt's dismay her son had continued his little song the whole time, but his song was quickly becoming more of a whine again.
"Fine," she said in an exasperated voice, "give me your foot and I'll see what's in your shoe."
He obediently lifted his shoe as high as it would go. Susan took hold of the heel and pulled perhaps a bit to forcefully. Suddenly a gray mat of fuzz flew through the air then bounced on the floor, then like a coin on it's side it spun round and round until it finally stopped in the middle of the room.
Susan's mouth dropped to her toes as she watched in horror as a squished flat mouse stared up at here with it's dead lifeless eyes.
Just at that moment a nurse walked through the door. She looked puzzled at the expression that she saw on Susan's face. Then she followed her line of sight and screamed. The whole office was in an uproar as the flat mouse was placed in a Ziploc baggie and gingerly disposed of in the dumpster.

Susan quietly packed up her son and ducked her way out the front door of the office.

Sunday Funnies is a weekly theme here at Cake Crumbs. If you would like to play along just think back through your week and find the funniest thing that happened to you and jot it down. Then simply leave a comment with your web address and join in the fun!


Mimi said...

Oh my God, that is so funny, Heidi!
I can just imagine the people in that waiting room!!

Leslie said...

Such a funny story. I bet Susan was horrified but laughed plenty about it.

Chris said...

I've had a lot of things in my shoes over the years, but a mouse -- dead or alive -- just isn't one of them.

Oh my gosh, that had me crying. I can picture the scene as though I were there.

In fact, it sounds a lot like something that might happen to me.

kayerj said...

oh that is my favorite Susan story . . .